Technical Difficulties
by Atolm2000
Summary: What chaos lurks backstage when none of the characters respect a fic author and Viki is set loose? Much caffeine, SIII based pretty much, screw the fourth wall.


Uhm…no explanation for this 'sides caffeine. Beware of Viki.

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The cathedral lights came up to the sound of a mad pipe organ, illuminating a dark figure standing in front of the pulpit; a breeze fluttered a black trenchcoat, and a black hat-brim shaded a white mask swiped from a certain theatre producer. The slim girl's mad cackling was suddenly interrupted by the sound of something tearing the pipe organ to pieces in a cacophany of squealing pipes and crashing.

The fic author glared balefully through the mask at the side door. "What do you people have against pipe organs?!"

Edge peered around the doorframe. "Sorry. Sword's idea, really." Behind him the Star Dragon Sword was off on a psychotic rant, one not entirely printable in polite company.

"A-ny-way..." She dusted off the shoulders of the trenchcoat. "As probably nobody noticed, I took Snakecharmer down temporarily, for the simple reason that I wanted to expand upon the early chapters and work some of the...alterations into the storyline visibly sooner."

"She realized she screwed up, and that she couldn't keep things as close to the game storyline early on and still run the True Runes the way she'd lined out.", Caesar clarified, sitting with his back against the side of the pulpit.

"And that she'd edited out too much of early events, between that and some of the other stuff.", Ace added from the front pew.

The fic author glared at both of them.

"What? It's the truth.", Caesar said.

"Nevermind that she has three people threatening her with the Fist of Doom, a lash, and writing bad slash of her sci-fi novel respectively if she doesn't update the webcomic she's supposedly working on.", Albert threw in. He was sitting in the other front pew across from 12th Unit, arms draped over the back.

The glare moved to the elder Silverberg, who continued. "Oh, yes, and three older multi-chapter fanfictions, where there are people gnawing on her head, begging, and pleading…her own actual writing that she's attempting to get published…the extra studying for that upper division grammar class she's been saying she'll do…and how long is it now that you've been working on that art commission?"

Since she needed him for the fic, she chose not to attempt to inflict violence upon him. Besides, he'd probably kick her ass. "So I took it down, and went back over the first few chapters, and reworked it a bit, and. . .and..." Her sentence trailed off as she noticed that Nash had wandered onto the dais and was inspecting her from the side; it was now rather noticeable that, even with the three-inch heels on her boots, she barely topped 5'8", and that the trenchcoat was probably half her weight. "What is it now?"

He gave an appraising "hrm", and tilted his head. "Y'know, the mask with that coat and all, just doesn't work."

"He's right; you look like a demented noir writer's idea of a mime." Albert earned another mask-hidden dirty look for that.

Nash squinted down at her. "Where's Nadir? Isn't he missing this?"

"He's whimpering in his room, curled up into a little ball hiding his face behind a script." The fic author twitched briefly at Yuber's sudden appearance behind her.

That twitch gave Nash the opportunity to reach out and snatch the mask, walking away toward the side door with it; he stopped and looked back, doing a double-take at the fic author. "Great, our lives are in the hands of a demented fourteen year old."

"I'm twenty two! I'm old enough to drink!!", she shrieked back.

Albert snorted. "That's comforting."

"Shut up or I'll slash you with Caesar.", she snarled.

Albert shuddered, cringing at the mental image, while Caesar yelled, "Hey! I haven't even smarted off yet that much, why're you getting me too?!"

"Feh. I don't think she's even capable of writing canonical slash, much less something like that." Yuber patted her shoulder, which got another twitch from her.

"Weren't you the one talking about helping run the Fangirl Abuse Hotline?", Sanzo added cynically, leaning against the stained glass behind the pulpit.

There was a dumbfounded silence as everyone, fic author included, turned to stare at the blonde monk. "What?", he snarled over his cigarette.

"What're you doing here? Why aren't you in Shangri-La?!" She waved her arms, composure vanishing.

"Ask the ditz." He pointed beside him, at a certain black-haired disaster area.

"Viki!!" She was starting to hit dog-whistle octaves.

"Huh? What? I wasn't supposed to bring him?"

"No!! He's from Saiyuki!! Wrong series entirely!!"

"But you said something about a priest on here..." She studied the page of instructions she'd been given, oblivious that it was upside down.

"Bishop!! Bishop!!" Realization dawned, and she started scanning the cathedral in a panic, doing a head-count. "Where's Sasarai then?!"

Somewhere, on another world, in a certain jeep, there was a very confused silence and a Monkey King poking a Harmonian Bishop in the back of the head, while Sasarai slumped dejectedly. "I hate my life."

Back at the Cathedral, Viki gave her best look of brainless innocence, which wasn't that hard for her. "Should I put the lady knight back too then?" She pointed back toward the back corner of the cathedral, where General Beatrix leaned against the wall, cleaning her sword and muttering.

Meanwhile, in the City of Alexandria, Chris was frantically trying to explain herself to a sympathetic Garnet and frantic Steiner.

"Yes!! Put them back and get the right people here!!"

"Okiedokie." Viki smiled brightly - or maybe dimly, it was the sort of fluff-brained smile that belied burned-out bulbs in the attic - and she, Sanzo, Beatrix, Lucia of the Blue Star, Sierra McKain, and Futch disappeared.

"Told you that you should've sent me." The fic author glared balefully at Little Viki, who was filing her nails sitting behind the pulpit.

"As long as you're using Viki, this is going to take forever.", Caesar muttered. The author gave up on glaring at anyone specific, instead just glowering at the world in general, shoulders hunched.

"We do have other things to do, you know." Ace had stood up, arms crossed; the rest of Twelfth Unit was standing up, collecting their belongings, and preparing to leave, except for Jacques, who had disappeared somewhere before Sanzo had made himself known.

"Places to go, people to kill.", Yuber agreed, walking off the dais to stand in front of Albert. The strategist was still twitching in partial shock from the earlier threat; serious or not, he'd learned the now regretted skill of forming mental images easily. Yuber sighed, grabbed the back collar of Albert's coat, and drug his summoner out the door past the mercenaries.

The fic author snapped out of her state of shock, bouncing down the dais with the chiming of one who wears too many shiny objects. "Geddoe!"

The Lightning Bearer froze, then turned, covering any real reaction to the girl now in front of him. "Yes?"

"You've got an appointment with Psycofoxx soon, right?"

"Yes."

An evil, toothy grin spread across her face. "Can't have you forgetting these then." She handed him a headband with a pair of fuzzy white bunny ears.

A stricken look crossed his face briefly; she'd been plotting with other fic authors. "You...", he trailed off briefly, waving the bunny ears at her vaguely, struggling to find the proper word while Alanis, Elliot, and the other child Stars were present. "You....suck.", he finished quietly, turning on one heel and leaving with his Unit in tow.

The fic author stood smug at the small victory, until Viki reappeared on the dais. "I fixed it!", the teleportrix proclaimed proudly. The author turned slowly, dreading what she was going to find.

Chris was back, breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of her knights in the back of the cathedral. Chief Lucia was coiling her whip and muttering darkly at Viki. General Kitiara was standing frozen, her features hidden under the ornate black and blue armor of one of Takhisis's dragon knights. Count Lee sat on the edge of the dais paging through a book, red eyes gleaming in the candlelight behind his glasses. Paladin Alexander Anderson blinked behind his own glasses, trying to process what had just happened. Watching Viki stand so proudly with the menagerie behind her, it occurred to the fic author that she had a butterfly knife in her pocket, and she could probably get Anderson to help with the imminent stabbing.

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Apologies for confusion on Viki's -ahem- screwups. For anyone who didn't recognize any of the people mentioned - Sanzo is from Gensomaiden Saiyuki. Beatrix is from Final Fantasy IX. Lucia of the Blue Star is from Lunar:Eternal Blue, Kitiara is from the Dragonlance Chronicles, Count Lee is from Sword of Mana, and Alexander Anderson is from Hellsing. I might add further chapters to this, but only to build on the chaos while doing "Suggestion Box Responses" to reviews on Missing, Snakecharmer, and any future Suikoden fics I might do.


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